


Now I'm Nothing (Fransykes)

by Asking4AHorizon



Series: One-Shots [6]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon, You Me At Six
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asking4AHorizon/pseuds/Asking4AHorizon
Summary: Joshua was lost. He was a goner. So as regret slowly starts to eat him alive, he lets go.Just like Oliver did.
Relationships: Josh Franceschi/Oliver Sykes
Series: One-Shots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726750
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Now I'm Nothing (Fransykes)

**Author's Note:**

> Massive Trigger warning, please be careful! I love you.

Josh opened his eyes. He breathed out. He shut them again, swallowing. He was awake. Why was he awake? He didn't want to be awake. He turned on his side, the throbbing on his head was nothing compared to the knowledge that he was alive. Josh opened his dull blue eyes. Fuck. He sighed. 

Josh slowly pushed his body up, sitting on the bed hunched over as the reek of weed and vodka hit his nostrils. He stared dead at the ground for a few seconds before he pulled himself up. He padded slowly to the kitchen, his heavy eyes not daring to look up from the ground. He couldn't. The apartment still held too many memories on the walls, the pictures still hung up, the paintings looking old but still obvious. Josh slumped up to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Nothing but bottles and bottles with take out filling it up. Josh took one bottle and shut the door, padding to the sink. He could smell his stinky breath but he didn't care. He didn't really care about anything anymore, to be truthful. Josh left the bottle on the sink and took a mug from it, not checking to see if it was clean or not. He opened the bottle and spilt the liquid inside on the mug, taking a large gulp from the bottle. The whiskey burned down his throat but he was used to it, to the alcohol destroying his insides. Josh huffed and glanced between the cup and the bottle, drinking from the mug and walking up to the couch with the bottle on his hand. He slouched down on the seat, legs spread, arms limp and head thrown back. He began drinking, his empty gaze upon the stained ceiling.

It was routine by then. Josh would wake up, get drunk, pass out, wake up at afternoon, drink some more, maybe smoke weed, and pass out again. Over. And. Over. Josh hated that routine. Josh didn't have the strength to change it.

There was a knock on the door. Josh stared up at the ceiling and took another gulp.

"Joshua?" He heard from the other side. "Josh, man, open up please." That was another part of the routine. Every day, his friends would try to make him open the door. They would take the reservation key and open the door, check on Josh and try to take him out of that house. Josh wouldn't acknowledge them at all; he would stare at the wall with his dead eyes and keep drinking. Today was no different.

After they gave up once more, they left. Josh kept sinking deeper on his sorrowful, depressive state. He stared unblinking at the roof, taking deep breaths. He glanced at the wall. He felt himself tearing up.

Oliver looked beautiful in that photo. His bright smile as he had his arms wrapped tightly around Josh's frame, eyes squinted and happiness waving off of him. Josh was no different. He looked so alive, he looked so happy. So in love. Why did Oliver have to be ripped off of him like that?

Josh sniffed, the tears rolling off of his eyes as he stared at the photography, his face flushing, eyes heavy. He took deep breaths as he held back a sob, his throat constricted. Josh stood up, taking another big gulp from his holy water as he stumbled away. He fell down in the middle of the living room, holding his breath as he shut his eyes tightly, clutching the bottle with his everything. Why did things have to turn out like that? Josh felt himself slipping away even further. 

You know, Josh believed rock bottom wasn't a thing. No, he knew it wasn't. People said that he hit rock bottom but he didn't, he couldn't. There was no end on the hole he was falling deeper and deeper, it was sempiternal. Josh knew he was falling deeper as the seconds passed. Josh held his breath as the tears slipped out, down his red cheeks, each one of all the billions drops holding all his pain.

Then, the feel of soft, gentle fingertips sliding over his face, up his stubbly cheek and gentle thumbs brushing the moisture from out of his skin, smearing it softly. It made Josh melt. The pain, the desperation, the regret, the agony, it all disappeared for a second. It all felt okay for a second. Josh's pained expression softened, the agonized tears still falling down his lashes as he exhaled softly. He opened his dull eyes, gaze flickering up. He felt his heart stopping.

Even in his gone state, he could recognize that face anywhere. His eyes, still glistening, began forming tears again. He smiled brokenly.

"Oliver," he breathed out unbelievingly. Oliver smiled softly, a loving expression upon his face. Josh let out a soft noise, his hands shaking. He raised them, trying to grasp Oliver's wrist, trying to grasp the feeling of his silky smooth skin, trying to grasp the feeling of happiness once more. Trying.

Josh felt every hope he gained crashing down on him. His face turned horrified. Oliver's hands began leaving his face and Josh tried standing up, his hands reaching out to Oliver over and over. Josh could feel nothing but air between his fingers.

"No, no, no!" Josh shouted. "Don't slip away again!" he shrieked, trying desperately to grasp Oliver's silhouette. Oliver smiled but suddenly he began to step back. "Don't leave me again!" He screamed, the feelings hitting like a tidal wave, overwhelming him, suffocating him, killing him over and over as he fell on his knees, his face flushed as he screamed and screamed, again and again, the tears forming and dropping like a storm rain, the hollowness and the suffering coming back as strong as ever as he watched Oliver turn his back to him. No drink, no drug, nothing in the world could numb that feeling. Nothing. Josh couldn't take it anymore. He tried stumbling up to Oliver, he tried to move, but the weight of the guilt, the weight of the hell inside his soul was too much. He couldn't get out of his place, he could only feel himself sinking on the ground as Oliver opened the door, deaf to his desperate, begging shrieks. "Please!" Josh would cry out loudly over and over. "Don't go!" Josh sobbed. "Don't let me be gone!" Josh begged with all the air in his lungs. He didn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. Oliver gently shut the door.

Joshua was all alone again.

~•°•~•°•~•°•~•°•~

"C'mon, hurry up!" Oliver chuckled. Josh smiled, trying to run faster. Josh felt true happiness over the sight of Oliver, his beautiful sparkly eyes shining over the sunlight, his hair falling in waves on top of his head, his lips stretched into the most precious smile. Josh felt lucky. Oliver tugged on his hand harder, pulling him around, further into the forest. Josh didn't know that bright green forest but he trusted Oliver enough. Josh blinked, taking around in. You could see the trees stretched out with green leaves, the sun shining brightly and a few white clouds hovering upon the earth. Oliver's grip relaxed and Josh let go of Oliver slowly, gaze still trapped around. 

"It's so beautiful here," Josh said softly, his lips curved up in a relaxed beam. Josh looked down, searching for Oliver. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Oli? Babe?" Josh began looking around, his frown deepening as he realized that the sky began darkening. His gaze flickered up as he felt a raindrop on his forehead. He wrinkled his nose, extending his hand and feeling out for the raindrops. Then he glanced to the forest again. He gasped confused. The trees were naked, their oak was grey. The grass under his feet, that seconds before were bright green, were yellow, orange, and grey. Josh blinked. He could feel something heavy dawning upon him, something that held his heart in a painful grip. Josh exhaled, a light fog appearing upon his vision until he could barely see the shadows of the trees. "Oli?" Josh called hesitantly, his heart speeding with desperation on his chest. He was alone. He took a deep breath and began searching around, looking behind the trees while calling out his boyfriend's name. 

He saw his shadow. Josh exhaled. 

"There you are, babe," Josh smiled lightly, easily. Only, there was no response back, no movement, nothing. Josh swallowed. He began walking up to the body, able to make out a bit of detail through the steam, such as his hair and clothes. Then he got closer. His heart stopped. Oliver's eyes were open and he stared right into Josh's eyes. They were dull. His cheeks looked even more prominent and his face was pale, his chapped lips parted slightly as his hair curled on his jaw and forehead. He gently swayed from side to side, his feet not reaching the ground. Josh felt a shiver down his spine and his breath heaving. Then he glanced down. He felt his heart breaking all over again on his chest. The noose was tight around Oliver's neck, hanging from the branch.

Just like Josh found him.

Josh jerked awake, his breath heavy as his heart constricted painfully on his chest, his face terrified as he teared up. Josh held his breath, shutting his eyes and curling up on a shaky ball, his fingers threading through his greasy curly hair. His fingers curled tightly onto his locks, tugging harshly his scalp as he trembled violently, unable to breathe as he felt it all hitting him again.

He could never forget.

Josh jumped up, his body swaying as his vision got black for a moment, his head heavy as well as his body. He inhaled sharply, supporting his body with his hand on the couch until his senses got back to normal. He needed something to drink. He glanced at the clock and huffed. 4 pm. 

Josh grabbed the bottle he was drinking from and sighed, seeing it was empty. He began making his way to the kitchen once more. Then his stomach grumbled. He ignored it as he had been doing. He felt undeserving of food. If Oliver couldn't eat, he wouldn't either. 

Josh turned the bottle, his lips attached to the rim as he gulped it down, a drop running down his puckered lips to his jaw and neck. Josh turned his head straight, taking a deep breath as he finished swallowing. He cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand as he made his way up. Not to the couch. To the bedroom.

But he stopped halfway. There was a knock on the door. 

Josh sighed, glancing at it before he began walking again.

"Josh?" He halted. He slowly turned his head to look at the door. "Josh, are you there?" Josh swallowed, his face becoming troubled. After a few seconds, he sighed, gripping the bottle between his fingers tightly, padding up to the door. He held the doorknob for a second as the person on the other side called him again. He took a deep breath and opened it. "Jo-"

Josh opened the door just enough so he could see the other side and the person could see his face. Josh blinked heavily.

"Hey, Elissa." His sister stood there stunned as she took him in. She blinked and furrowed her eyebrows, the sadness never leaving her soft features. She inhaled.

"Can I come in?" She asked. Josh looked behind him, at the empty, suffocating apartment. He glanced at the bottles on the ground and took a deep breath. He shook his head.

"Now is not a good time," Josh replied. But was it ever a good time? No, no it wasn't. Elissa shifted on her feet, her sorrowful, struggling eyes falling down on the carpet.

"Well, uh, okay," she mumbled. She took a deep breath, her bloodshot eyes prominent as she glanced up at her brother. "Something happened this afternoon," her voice was weak and her bottom lip trembled. "Mom... Mom passed away." Josh blinked, staring at her for a moment. Elissa waited for a response. Josh only stared at her.

"Is that it?" He asked after a while. She blinked and furrowed her eyebrows.

"What?" 

"Is that it? That's what you had to tell me?"

"Joshua?" She asked stunned. "Did you not hear me?" Josh gazed at her for a moment before he sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I heard you, that woman passed away. So what? What does this have to do with me?" Elissa blinked, her eyes turning heavily offended.

"She was your mother," Elissa snapped. Josh rolled his eyes.

"No she wasn't and you know that," Josh said bored. He sighed. "She herself said that I was nothing but a stranger to her, that no son of her is a cocksucker," he did quotations with his free hand. "You were there when she kicked me out." Elissa blinked and bit her lip harshly, her eyes turning angry. She wasn't measuring her feelings nor her acts or words. She had just lost her mother, she had no control of her sentiments.

"You are so selfish," she barked. "I hope you know what it's like to lose someone important to you," she glared down at him as Josh's eyes became unfocused. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

But Elissa wasn't done.

"I hope that boyfriend of yours dies so you can know what it's like."

Josh's eyes snapped open. He stared at her unbelieving before all the agonizing pain crawled upon his eyes again, his once bright blue eyes getting back on the same oceanic dull blue.

"He's already dead," Josh whispered, making Elissa's eyes widen in surprise and regret took her as quick as the words left her lips. Josh gazed at her for a second with so much pain that made her shiver and hold her breath. Then Josh slammed the door on her face. Elissa felt beyond shitty. She stared at the door in shock for a few seconds before she began knocking softly, saying loud apologies. But Josh wasn't hearing, he was on his room, warm tears painting his cheeks, eyes shut tightly as he gulped half the bottle down.

Josh had reached his breaking point.

~•°•~•°•~•°•~•°•~

"What the fuck is this?!" Joshua yelled. Oliver stared at the ceiling with bored eyes, turning his head to look at his man. "Is this fucking cocaine?!" Josh held a small bag between his fingers, fist on his hip as he stared angrily at Oliver. Oliver sighed and glanced at Josh before nodding easily as if he had done nothing wrong. Josh scoffed unbelievingly. "You're on drugs!" Josh exclaimed. Oliver shrugged, his eyes bloodshot. He had given up on being stealthy about it, he didn't care anymore. He felt lost and he didn't want to fight it. Josh gazed at him frustrated. "Oliver, what the fuck!" Oliver sighed heavily, turning his annoyed hazel gaze at Joshua.

"Can you please shut up?" He snapped, turning back to look at the roof. Josh let out an angry noise. He was raging inside. But the anger was mainly sadness and confusion, worry and unsettledness. 

"Pull your shit together!" Josh shouted. Oliver groaned.

"If you're not gonna shut up then get out," Oliver grumbled, blinking lazily. Josh stuck his nose up, snarling.

"Fine. Call me when you stop this bloody stupidity," Josh snapped. Then he walked away. He got rid of all the drugs he could find as Oliver remained sprawled out on the floor. Then he left. He left.

A few days later, Josh got a call from Oliver. He got hopeful. He missed his baby so much. He picked up, his face softening. But then he heard loud music playing and Oliver began slurring some nonsense. Josh got really mad again. He ended the call. It happened two more times, on the third, Josh didn't even bother picking up. Neither on the fourth. Nor the fifth.

Josh ignored the fifth call.

After a while, he began missing Oliver too much. Too much for him to handle. He realised that, unlike the other times, Oliver left a voicemail. Josh blinked surprised and pressed play. He never felt as desperate and panicked as he did that day.

'Joshua,' Oliver's trembling, begging voice began. 'I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry, I-' he choked down a sob, it was obvious. 'I need you, please come back, I can't do this anymore. I need you, Joshua, please.' Josh felt his heart warm yet tight on his chest. But it wasn't over yet. 'I can't hold on any longer.' Oliver had cried out. Josh swallowed hard. He tried calling Oliver over and over, running out from his friend's house and to theirs as panic took over his senses. He burst inside, searching and calling him everywhere. The apartment was empty. Then he decided to look at their little place, a few minutes away from their home, in the middle of the forest. Josh called him over and over, worriedly searching around. After a while, he could see Oliver's silhouette from far. 

"Oliver!" He exclaimed. He began running towards him. But once Josh was close enough, he could see. Josh died that day.

~•°•~•°•~•°•~•°•~

Josh didn't know what day it was. He didn't know what time it was. He didn't know anything anymore as he gazed emptily at the broken clock, bottles surrounding him. He exhaled. He glanced down. The gun felt rather light on his hand. It felt belonging. Josh didn't feel belonging.

He was sobering up. His eyes were rather calm despite their usual coldness. He let his head fall back. He didn't want to fall anymore. He didn't want to be anywhere anymore. Josh took off the safety off the gun. 

Josh just wanted an explanation. He wanted a fucking reason why. What the fuck happened? One moment he was living happily with his boyfriend, put together and over all the shit he had gone through and on the other, he was addicted to alcohol and self-destructive as he allowed the remorse to eat him away and the depression to drown him down. 

The day he lost the only reason he was alive he lost himself. When Oliver died, he didn't spare Josh, he took a part of him with him. Josh couldn't bother to try and put himself together. The irony. He would give everything he had to turn back time.

But it was impossible. The past never comes back. Josh didn't want a future then. He lazily brought the weapon up, the cane pointing up as he pressed the metal against his chin. Josh exhaled and slowly shut his eyes. His lips slowly curled up.

"Finally," Josh whispered into the silence. A loud bang followed right after as well as the sound of a body dropping down.

Then Joshua became nothing.


End file.
